The Artwork I Hated then Embraced
I have a little secret to share with you here. This week, I felt absolutely floored by an Artwork. She flowed so pleasurably at the start; from soft, feathery detail almost magically into a beautiful, floaty elephant. Except then something happened ...
I dared to move further into this piece.
Usually my works on paper have a sense of lightness and ease to them. This time, I dared to bring her out with bold outlines and features. Against a stark naked background, I felt completely raw and uncovered at this point of the process.
She was THERE and there was no hiding beneath the washy, abstract shapes I usually create. She was strong and her gaze was powerful - and this brought me to my knees.
"Beautiful! It looks like a Mummy elephant" says my little guy
"Who am I to create such a bold piece?", I asked myself. My inner critic was deeply afraid of being exposed as a failure, as a charlatan. "It looks ridiculous and childish. You're not a bloody illustrator of children's books, you're meant to be a sophisticated Artist." This inner talk almost made me shelf her forever and never show her to anyone outside of my home.
But I have been here before.
Most of the paintings I Love most, are also the ones I have struggled with on a deep level somehow. The fact that I felt so raw meant I was touching on something deeply authentic here. I was allowing my vulnerability to be seen. This could take time to get used to.
That night, I went to bed and I prayed. I prayed to find peace within myself. I prayed for help to accept the parts of myself I didn't like. I prayed for a kinder way of being. I prayed for a new direction.
I got her out again the next morning and something had shifted. She was exactly the same as the night before, but she felt less exposing, somehow. In fact, I kind of liked her.
I left her sitting on my computer desk until I could come back to her again in the evening ... and when I did, Love Just Flowed.
Rather than running from my need for kindness and Love, I stepped into it. I have often shied away from legible words, but this girl had something expressive to say:
Love Thy Self.
If I thought I wasn't brave before, I bloody do now. To so openly declare Love for myself is both petrifying and one of the most empowering things I've done to date in my work.
So here we are, you and me, you're still here and the world hasn't folded in upon itself. I am learning to Love myself and bravely let it be known and embraced - and now you know about it, too. WHOA!
'Love Thy Self'. 11" x 14". Ink, acrylic, paint pens, hand-painted papers, neocolor II crayons and etching on Fine Art Paper.
This piece is now available in my shop and I am receiving such a wonderful response to her. What a surprise Life is! Just what I thought was the most embarrassing and uncultured part of myself, is turning out to be a prized jewel within. Yay, you crazy, amazing Universe!
View more purchase details HERE.
All my Love,
Chrissy xx
