Thoughts on Anxiety + Worth
Lately I've been thinking about change. This year has seen some pretty big changes happen in my Life and many old constraints have finally fallen away. Suddenly, I find myself in new territory, a place where I'm experiencing more freedom, more authenticity and more dreams manifesting than ever before.
Yet I noticed anxiety creeping back into my experience ... and for the life of me, I hadn't been able to work out why. Now my son is at school I have more devoted time to be creative, carve out time for self-care and even yummy leisure time to read a book, watch a movie and have a cuppa with friend. So why would I be experiencing anxiety now, of all times?
Then this evening, it dawned on me ... I've been afraid I'm not worthy.
A recurring fear of mine is if everything is going really well, I'm afraid I will lose it. This is a fear I fall back on easily, as a well learned response to life lived with anxiety.
But when I dig deeper here - truly inquire into my feelings and experiences - I realise it's not actually loss I'm afraid of. In actual fact, I've been afraid to truly let love seep under my skin.
At a time in my life when I am consciously choosing what matters most to me, it's become apparent how far I've come. This life I've carved from the clay of experience is so utterly 'Me', filled with people, experiences and feelings that feel so beautiful, true and authentic.
And boy, does it hurt to not let it in.
It is now that I realise, rather than loss being what I fear most ... in actual fact, it's always been love. To truly let love in means on some level, I have to believe that I'm worthy to receive it.
Yet as I walk this path, healing my wounds and nourishing my strengths, I understand on a much deeper level that love isn't actually something I can ever gain, nor lose. It's something that I Am, something we all Are, something that all life is made of. We can either let love flow freely within and around us ... or to deny its existence at all.
From this day forth, I promise myself this: With all of my will, wherever I am, whenever I can, I choose to for Love to be My Worthy Companion. I hope you will join me.